I’ll admit, I was afraid to share openly about these very personal topics for years. It still feels edgy. And yet, I’ve long yearned to let these experiences breathe and be known. Today, I want to claim my own story.
My Body and I
When I was about thirteen, I noticed that my belly had grown a visible smattering of dark hair. I was horrified, and felt like a freak. “Girls aren’t supposed to grow hair there”, I thought. “There’s something wrong with me.”
After finally getting permission from my mom to shave my legs, I started going wild removing hair from other areas of my body where I felt it did not belong. “Those blonde girls and their cute peach fuzz”, I thought. “They have no idea how lucky they are”. Later, I’d realize that everyone has their own body-related hangups, their own ways of wishing their skin/ hair/ butt/ you-name-it was more like someone else’s. At the time, I loathed how quickly my thick, dark hair would grow, and how prickly it’d be when it came in.
In high school and college, I coveted others’ more “feminine”-looking bodies and the way they seemed to be able to make any outfit look good. Thinking about how flat my chest was pained me, and I hated that a skin condition I had caused the pigmentation on my back to look spotty. It didn’t matter that the skin condition was benign. My physical appearance disappointed me. I avoided the beach for years, so I wouldn’t have to be seen in a swimsuit.
Conflicted Feelings
I was hyper focused on my flaws, and spent so much time and energy trying to correct what I thought was wrong with my body. At one point, I decided that sharing a home with a future partner would be impossible. I couldn’t tolerate the idea of allowing someone, especially a lover, to get close enough to see my flaws revealed. I needed to be able to hide my flaws, to keep secret the great lengths I went through to look normal.
I didn’t believe it when I heard that one of the heartthrobs of my high school had a crush on me. In true high-school fashion, he sent a friend to deliver this message—while he was sitting 20 feet away, too shy to tell me himself. I couldn’t even consider the possibility that someone like him would be attracted to me when I felt so imperfect. I rejected the invitation without thinking.
I can see how I had a habit of denying myself the opportunity for connection, and pushing away people who didn’t reflect my view of myself—someone unworthy of love and acceptance.
Early Adult Life
Later, as an adult, I found myself treating my body like a machine. I made it do what I wanted, typically spending long hours on my computer—both in the office, and after returning home. Self-care, or my attempts at such, consisted primarily of treating myself to good eats, sleeping in on weekends, online education and shopping. I bought and returned so many items in my first few years of being a working professional, I was a burgeoning retail therapy addict.
My sense of self-worth and my identity were tied up in the job I had as an engineer. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, in more ways than one. While it wasn’t all work and no play—I took myself on occasional backpacking trips in beautiful places like Yosemite—I’d push myself a little too intensely on these outdoor excursions, trying to show myself I had a life outside of work, one that was balanced. All the hard work I did was an effort to prove myself.
Though I was no longer an embarrassed teen, I was still disconnected from my body. The ignorance I had about my body’s needs when I was younger had not been overcome; I was still largely unaware. At the same time, some part of me knew where I might be headed if I continued down this path—I had a nagging fear of calcifying as I aged, hardening into a stony mass of muscle and tissue that could no longer move.
In 2014, when my bodily aches and pains became chronic, I could no longer ignore them, and I was forced to confront the truth: I was not healthy. Not physically, not mentally or emotionally. “I can’t do this anymore”, I thought. “How did it get so bad?”
Looking Back
What seemed like a health crisis was really part of a larger spiritual crisis for me. I didn’t know how to break out of the painful existence I had bought into and helped create for myself. When I looked within, the message echoing inside was “I’m deeply unhappy. Where’s the meaning in my life?”, and my body was at the intersection of it all.
Choosing New Ways
It was on the dance floor that I noticed my knee really hurt when I moved from the floor to a standing position. Previously, I would have brushed this off as a fleeting annoyance. But because dancing helped me be more “in my body”, more in touch with myself, I had the capacity to recognize that this was a serious issue I needed to address—I couldn’t ignore it anymore, especially if I wanted to continue dancing without pain.
Just as ignoring my body lead to a vicious cycle of isolation and poor health, taking care of my body lead to a positive cycle: I signed myself up for massage therapy training and learned my body was something to be kind to and enjoy; making a habit of daily exercise gave me a reliable way to feel good and stay connected with my body; my relationship with Toby has helped me internalize the fact that there is nothing wrong with me and I am lovable, just as I am.
Resourcing the Body
One day in 2016, I found myself standing nude in front of a crowd of fifty-some other people. I was baring it all at a workshop for helping people embrace their bodies, and when a volunteer was requested, I knew it needed to be me. As I slowly turned and allowed myself to make eye contact with the many onlookers, something in me broke open; what came rushing out was a flood of tears, a lifetime of pent-up emotions, and overwhelming relief.
Where before I had isolated myself in order to hide my insecurities and flaws, I now felt I could connect with others from a place of vulnerability, by revealing myself and my experience in all honesty. As I felt more and more accepted by my fellow humans, I realized that this was only possible because I had begun to accept my own self more fully, and allow myself to show up and be seen. It was never about being flawless.
Becoming aware of my body, and building a tight-knit relationship with it, has been the most impactful act of my life thus far. I’m not perfect and I still experience challenges with my body, but what I’ve learned about allowing the body to be a guide, ally, and resource is too good to keep to myself. I know that many of us have wounds around body image, or they way we treat ourselves, and now I feel that this is part of my calling—to help others connect more deeply to themselves and their communities through caring for their bodies.
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Being embodied comes naturally to us.
With all the time we spend leading with our intellect, though, is it any wonder that most of us could use balancing out?
To help nourish the balance of our whole selves, here are five creative embodiment practices I’m excited to share with you. Consider this a starting point, and please feel welcome to share & adapt. For best results, practice regularly, stay curious and reflect on your experiences with others.
Speaking of which, I’d love to hear about your experiences!
“OMG.. this dog is dying!”, I thought to myself at 1 a.m. on a Monday night. When I picked Buffy up from the dog hotel earlier that evening, I’d noticed that her belly looked a bit swollen. She seemed otherwise fine at the time – energetic, interested in food, and excreting waste, as usual. I did some research anyways to inform myself about the possible health risks of canine bloating. Little did I know what hard-hitting insights were to come.
At bedtime, when she suddenly began panting and behaving in a subdued manner, I grew concerned. It seemed very possible she had GDV (the life-threatening type of canine bloat) and might not make it through the night without prompt medical attention. As I waited late in the night for the foster agency to approve my request to take her to the emergency room, I watched her closely, stroked her gently, and I’ll admit – got watery-eyed at one point.
Although she seemed to show only a couple key symptoms of GDV, I wasn’t about to let my first dog – foster or not – take her chances if I there was something I could do about it. And so, after a trip to the local animal ER in the wee hours, I learned what was wrong with her.
She was simply, and there isn’t really an elegant way to say this, full of sh*t and food.
**FACEPALM**
Initial Thoughts
Thinking back, I recalled that Buffy’s been pretty ready to go to the bathroom when I’ve picked her up the other few times she’s stayed at the dog hotel. I suspected she might be “holding it in”, though this wasn’t a particularly long stay, and I hadn’t observed any bloating after her previous stays. What concerned me, was that her belly distension didn’t seem to improve after a walk and a bowel movement, she didn’t seem to need to go again during our later pre-bedtime walk, and her condition appeared to take a distinct turn for the worse.
In summary, Buffy ended up having four sets of bowel movements in the sixteen hours since I picked her up from the dog hotel—once before our trip to the animal ER, once right after, and twice during our first walk the following day. These were four sizable droppings (yikes! poor thing), especially for a dog of her size. She’s a sweet little senior peanut of a chihuahua mix, about as large as a house cat.
Getting Schooled
As distressing and troublesome as the experience was for me – not to mention, majorly uncomfortable for Buffy, I’m so glad that I pursued the better-safe-than-sorry option AND that it turned out to be a best-case scenario.
In one sense, this “false alarm” was an exercise in practicing my observational skills, using my best judgement, and engaging in emergency protocols. The obvious lesson learned, was that my pooch is potty-trained to a fault, and that I would need to advise the dog hotel staff of her need for outdoor potty walks when boarding her. As I realized, the underlying lesson is:
Sometimes we are too well trained to “hold it in” and be polite, much to the detriment of our own health and wellness.
Bringing more awareness to our inclinations to “hold it in” – in doggo’s case, her biological needs; in my case, speaking my truth – can help prevent us from getting seriously backed up and ill, physically, emotionally, and beyond. As such, here are some questions to consider:
- When do you find yourself “holding it in”?
- What benefits & challenges do you experience as a result of this behavior?
- How might you like to respond instead of “holding it in”, and what would help you feel safe or empowered enough to do so?
Noticing an urge to “hold it in” is a potent place to start.
Please feel welcome to share your thoughts in the comments section at the bottom of this post.
Part II of this article to come…!
Why don’t we pay more attention to how our bodies feel?
We seem to wait until our bodies insist that we are tired, hungry, in pain, or aroused to put aside what we are doing and tend to its needs. And while we know that our bodies are so much more than a walking container for our minds, souls, emotions, and such, we are often apt to take our bodies for granted and treat them like subordinates to the master mind. Why?
How many times have you found yourself still working on a task at 2am and telling yourself something like—”I don’t need to sleep much tonight. I’ll just power through this one. Mind over matter, right?”
We know the consequences all too well—for example, oversleeping and missing an important meeting, feeling irritable and overwhelmed, saying or doing things you’ll later regret, nodding off on the job or at the wheel (yikes!). So why don’t we give our bodies more consideration and involvement in our overall lives?
A few main reasons, which tend to be interrelated—
- Biological: Our specialized human brains have superb capacities for reasoning, logic, judgment, planning, and critical thinking. We are good at using our minds, as human survival has largely depended on our ancestors’ abilities to exercise their intelligence and resourcefulness, and it can be easy to assume that our bodies are capable of taking a backseat for long durations.
- Psychological: Our personal preferences are often shaped by what we have been taught and rewarded for. From a young age, we receive messages—both implicit and explicit—regarding the importance of and incentives for doing well in school, getting into a good college, landing a good job, working hard, advancing our careers, etc. We feel good when we do well at these tasks, and these tasks generally necessitate that we continually cultivate and exercise our mental capacities. Thus, we feel inclined to keep prioritizing brain-based activities.
- Social: Our society celebrates and rewards intelligence, technological advancements, and increased efficiency. A system based on education and work—with short weekends and limited holidays, in addition to digitization and abstraction of our tools and resources—at work, in school, and at home, trains us to be rather estranged from our physicality.
The bottom line is—we modern humans have become a very cerebral species, and by neglecting to tune into the majority of our physical experience, we miss out on so much.
In addition to making pleasurable and meaningful experiences readily accessible to us, our bodies also provide practical benefits beyond what we might expect.
No Ordinary Sidekick
Consider this: What would it be like if we allowed our bodies to have a more integrated role in our day-to-day activities and tasks, including decision-making, problem solving, and communicating with others?
Take a moment to try envisioning some possibilities.
[…]
When you’re ready, here are three examples on what this might look like.
1. Decision-Making
If we allowed our bodies to have a more integrated role in our decision-making processes, we might acknowledge and consider our “gut feelings” more of the time, rather than automatically suppress them or write them off. How many times in life have you wished that you could only just travel back in time to when it all started, and listen to what your gut was already telling you then?
Perhaps you decided to brush aside your mixed feelings, and spring for another date with that one person you weren’t entirely enthused about…
…only to find yourself regularly spending time with them weeks later, doing a less of the things you love, and indulging in the comfort and familiarity that has developed between you two, while feeling a building sense of discontentment and resentment.
Or, maybe you found yourself accepting a string of new projects that came your way, despite experiencing an underlying sense of anxiety regarding your already-busy schedule for the next few weeks…
…only to find yourself skipping workouts, cancelling on social plans, eating poorly, and feeling irritable and on the verge of burnout.
The unfortunate outcome that took place definitely could have been avoided, or at least minimized, had you taken your internal feelings more seriously. Consciously or not, we sometimes ignore telling signs and painful realities in favor of continuing to do what we think we want. (Oh, yes. You know what I’m talking about!) We can compensate for this very human tendency, however, by noticing when we’re stuffing our feelings down, recognizing it as being part of a pattern that doesn’t end well, and choosing a different, more (body)mindful route.
2. Problem Solving & Creativity
If we allowed our bodies to have a more integrated role in our problem solving and creative processes, we might get up and physically move through space in uncharacteristic ways when brainstorming or problem solving, in order to stimulate new or less-utilized neural pathways, and thus help ourselves be able to think outside the box. Quit banging your head against a wall—it’s not your only option. Try approaching the wall from new angles, taking a break, or at the least, banging your head against it in new and creative ways.
Scientists have repeatedly demonstrated that bodily movements can strongly influence mental processes, such as thinking and problem solving, as well as their outcomes. In fact, research on the topic of “embodied cognition” has received significant attention in the field of cognitive sciences since at least 1991 (though there is still a lack of consensus on what it means to be “embodied” and what the implications of embodied cognition would be) (Ziemke, 2016). Still, the persistent theme is that the body is a powerful resource, which should not be considered secondary to the mind.
Our minds may, at times, be the ones assisting our bodies in accomplishing tasks thought to be purely or primarily brain-based, rather than the other way around (Wilson and Golonka, 2013).
The idea of resourcing your body for problem solving and creative purposes certainly opens up a whole Pandora’s box of varying perspectives and considerations, some of which are sure to conflict with others. For now, I’ll just assert that there are better and worse ways of resourcing your body in order to accomplish a goal, depending on the nature of your specific situation.
It is often helpful to first take a break and get some fresh air, go for a 10+ minute walk, and do a few stretches. Although you may feel reluctant or even unable to spare that bit of valuable time which you could be using to work, let’s be real: you are not likely to miss those 15+ minutes (which otherwise might be frittered away on a momentary distraction anyways) and will return to your work tasks feeling at least a little more refreshed, able to think more clearly, and better prepared to handle the rest of the work you have cut out for you.
Exploring the problem—including any givens, constraints, etc.—at hand in a physical, mindful, and inquisitive way is likely to be much more productive, in general, than simply running around the room windmilling your arms at breakneck speeds, hoping to randomly happen upon a solution by way of stimulating the “right” neural pathways. However, if stress relief is what you need, then windmill away! Basic needs first, and again, different methods for different problems. This topic bears further research, and I plan to delve deeper into it in a future post.
3. Conflict Resolution
If we allowed our bodies to have a more integrated role in relationship matters, we might hold hands or maintain some other form of nonthreatening touch (e.g., sitting side to side, or back to back) with our partner(s) during conflict resolution—even though it may feel like the last thing we want to do. When possible, sharing physical contact helps us remain in alliance with each other on a fundamental level, stay grounded in the present moment, and have a constant reminder of each other’s humanity. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take all the support I can get from my partner and give to myself, when navigating stormy relationship waters. That stuff is NOT made to be easy!
When tempers flare, we might not even want to make eye contact with our partner. If so, it may be helpful to first take yourself for a vigorous run and/or long walk, and then try connecting with your partner. You may find an ability to look at the situation through fresh eyes.
This third example, which suggests using the body as an emotional bridge during conflict resolution, touches on a wealth of related bodymind material. For example, emotional distancing is often coupled with physical distancing, including protective body language. During interpersonal conflict resolution, it is often easy to fall into the trap of emotional/physical distancing and begin to view each other as opponents. When this happens, it is challenging to maintain a conscious and constructive exchange. Emotional intensity may rapidly escalate, and when we begin responding reactively to each other, no one wins. Especially in cases like this, tracking our own body language and that of our partner can help us anticipate and avert downward spirals that might otherwise end in an emotional meltdown or a blowout fight.
Being aware of our own body language and internal sensations during conflict resolution also helps us to increase our self-knowledge, draw more connections, and be able to perceive the bigger picture. Check in with yourself: is that tension I’m feeling in my stomach? In my chest, shoulders, or neck? Is my breathing shallower than normal? We may also notice that our body is communicating a different message than our words, or that we have a persistent urge to get more personal space or release pent-up tension. Then, we can start putting more puzzle pieces together, and get to the root of the issue.
A constructive way to honor these urges, or otherwise get out of an emotional/conversational rut, is to go for a solo walk outdoors after agreeing with your partner on a set time and place for checking back in with each other. When checking in, remember that you can request more personal time/space if it is needed.
Indeed, most of us have had the experience of talking or thinking ourselves into a slippery pit of negativity, where everything sucks and there seems to be no immediate way out. In cases like this, giving our well-worn cognitive pathways a rest often works wonders. In other words, when all else fails—and preferably before reaching that point—stop talking, give yourself some space, and get moving!
Self-Collaboration = Everyone Wins
Allowing our bodies and minds to collaborate during conflict resolution, problem solving, decision-making, and our other day-to-day activities and tasks, paves the way for more positive outcomes and experiences for all involved parties (not just you); as compared with an alternate scenario where we rely primarily on our cerebral and verbal capacities.
Still banging your head against that wall..? Stop, please! Take a breather and try something else. If you’re unhappy or in pain, chances are that others who are close to you are suffering too.
Ready to Promote Yourself?
I propose that we can be far happier, healthier, more fulfilled, and, yes, better at life, if we let our bodies share the director’s chair with our minds. More than simply stepping up our exercise regimens, allowing extra time for physical recreation, or preemptively caring for our basic physical needs, this means:
- Valuing and giving greater consideration to your physical sensations, breathing patterns, and body language; and
- Treating physical movement and physical contact as integral elements of your daily activities and tasks.
These practices may take time to get used to, but you stand to benefit quite a bit from including your body in your life even just a little bit more than you do right now. Averting messy crises, devising creative solutions with greater ease and delight, and deftly surfing through stormy relationship waters, knowing you have a friend by your side.. What will you accomplish next?
Snacks for the road
Here are several takeaways that I would like to share with you today—
- Internalize this: You do not need to wait until it is “almost too late” to listen to your body. Every moment is a new opportunity to notice what you are feeling. (It might be important.)
- It all starts with self-awareness. With a curious mind, the rest will follow.
- Body and mind are strongly interconnected. In fact, they are collectively referred to as the “bodymind”. (More on this later.)
- The more integrated your bodymind becomes, the more capacity you have to experience pleasure! The trick is in allowing yourself to receive the pleasure that is already there, at your fingertips. (More on this later, as well.)
I’m also happy to share that at present, there are many interesting and delightful methods that are excellent for tapping into and strengthening your body-mind connection, boosting your holistic wellness, and making strides in your personal evolution and development. These methods are based in dance/movement, somatics, touch, mindfulness, psychology, and more. You can read about them here at dance pants, soon.
My last recommendation? Come prepared with a beginner’s mind and a pair of comfortable pants that are good for moving around in..
***
Author’s note: If you’re wondering where all of this is coming from.. well, that’s a good question! What I have to share with you is inspired and informed by a lifelong love of feeling good from the inside out, in addition to my background in contact improv, holistic massage therapy, and experience facilitating special events & an authentic connection-based community circle. I believe that using creative, integrative, and flexible methods for personal wellness and development is the way to go, and I want to share the best of what I discover with you.
Please visit the About page to get a better sense of my personal background and vision for this platform. Be well! ~Amber
** Special thanks to my wonderful partner for providing lots of ideas and inspiration for the relationship and communication strategies discussed in this article. <3! **
References
Ziemke, T. (2016). The body of knowledge: On the role of the living body in grounding embodied cognition. Biosystems, 148, 4-11. doi: 10.1016/j.biosystems.2016.08.005
Wilson, A.D., & Golonka, S. (2013). Embodied Cognition is Not What you Think it is. Frontiers in Psychology, 4, 58. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00058
Photo, “Two shadows“, by C. Viarisio (2016) is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0